What is your feeling about divorce? It is a touchy subject to be sure. Those who have been divorced can be quite defensive about it. Those that wish they were divorced may not truly understand the pain and sting this event can bring. Those that will never divorce or do not believe in it can come across as self righteous or maybe you will judge them as being a doormat who will put up with anything.
Why is it so prevalent? Why I am glad you asked! Prior to the 1930’s, less than 7% divorced. Part of that may have been that the laws of divorce were very strict. It was often hard to prove abuse, adultery or abandonment, which were the only reasons a divorce would be granted. In 1967 the laws changed to include “no-fault” divorces. By the 1970’s the divorce rate jumped up to 33% and culminated with 53% by 1980. Currently, it has gone down slightly and leveled off at about 50%.
Here is where I grapple with that 50% mark. Are things more difficult today than they were in the past? Did people 100 years ago or 50 years ago or 30 years ago have money problems? Did they argue? Did they have poor communication skills? Did they cheat on each other? Did they grow tired of one another? You and I both know that indeed many couples did. So why have we become a society where we just throw away a marriage like last years cell phone?
This question will not necessarily be answered here. However, I want you to think about possible causes that we may be too quick to throw away a relationship that can be saved.
I have seen so many couples that were on the verge of splitting and now years later are thrilled to be together. For the sake of brevity, I will share only one story.
When our children were younger, my husband and I spent many hours at swim meets, speedskating meets and ballet recitals. Moms talk. Moms talk a lot! One friend and I had very similar situations in where we did not feel supported by our husbands. Finances were very tight and we were shocked to find out that both of our husband’s made almost the very same amount each year on their yearly tax returns. They were both great fathers, but seemed to lack drive in a few critical areas needed for a functional marriage.
It felt wonderful to be able to “bitch-and-moan” to my friend instead of finding solutions and looking for blessings. I sincerely hope that I have grown since then. But, at this time in our marriages, this friend often made the comment that she already had her plan in place to stay with him until their youngest had graduated high school. Then she was “out.”
Fast forward to today. Our children are grown and off in the world. Every time I want to hang out with this lovely lady, she is busy doing things with…wait for it…her husband! Somewhere between our complaints about unmotivated men who had lost their ability to dream, or set goals, between the checkbooks with less than $9.00 in them and the money fights, between disappointments and trials of marriage came hope.
Hope, understanding, agreements, new dreams, financial peace, perseverance, joy, love, creativity and newfound enthusiasm.
So often we see a bleak situation in our lives and see no way out or around it. We forget that each calendar year has seasons, and marriages often have seasons too. Unless there is violence or abuse, (in which case you need to get out) will you try to look at your significant other in a new light? Will you try to imagine the marriage you had at the altar and work towards new growth?
If you are willing to do that, then we need to talk. If you are not willing to do that, then we really need to talk. Please contact me for a free consultation and I will do my best to shed light on a bleak situation and give you hope and inspiration. It is my passion to see relationships bloom like a flower and give off the fragrance of unbridled adoration and passion.